a longer hello and spring portal one update
the closer i get to love, the closer i get to grief.
i prefer to be honest about that, because i am worried that many modern spiritual guides won’t be. i am concerned that capitalism has created a deep need for all things to be shiny, to promise only one outcome “abundance!” “success!” or “the perfect life!”
i wonder sometimes about telling my whole personal story, where would i begin?
would i begin on the frozen ground of the conservation land across the street from my parents house? my entire back in hot cold spasm and my legs curled towards me and unwilling to move. the snowmobile ride on the stretcher across and snow to the ambulance and the way the fumes were choking me but i couldn’t think of a way to say anything, so i just choked across the fields and to the street.
would i begin earlier, in my childhood bedroom with pink carpeting and a closet that leads to the attic where i hide my scented chapsticks and secretly taste them sometimes? where i run across the room and jump into my antique bed at night because i am scared of what might be under it. where every spring the dogwood tree blooms right outside my windows changing my world view, where i play hide and seek with the neighborhood kids in the deep musky maze of overgrown rhododendron bushes underneath my windows.
where do i dive into the details? is my story some kind of spiritual path that starts with interspecies telepathic communication? is my story about getting through my divorce, or my best friend dying while i sat by her side, or being a single mom for so many years?
right now i am in bed in my home which i share with my husband (second), my biological children, my step sons, and our three cats. it is almost noon and i should long since have been out of bed and doing one of the many things on my list but i am practicing something else, something softer.
it’s been a bit of an extra life hustle for me the last few weeks, topped off by a dance competition weekend for my daughter and step son with a time change as the cherry on top - and a website redesign copy deadline pressing on all my soft spots.
this morning after school drop off i napped to sound of one of my teacher’s dharma talk about tara, “buddhism doesn’t exist in the universe,” he laughed. “we have created it as a way to access energies and understand the illusion.”
this reminds me of something one of my other beloved teachers says to the effect that everything is impermanent, even buddhism is impermanent, it is part of the great illusion. these are the kinds of teachers (from any lineage) i have come to trust and study with.
when i woke up from my nap i wondered about getting some e-mails and social media created about portal one, because we have a spring round starting in a few weeks and i am “behind” on my role in letting every one know, and finding the women who want to join this circle - for whom it would be beneficial.
first i opened my phone, and instagram, and there was a feminine embodiment coach telling me that in order to have an “epic launch” i needed to face my shadow and get turned on about my offer. the word fleek was in there many times also. (i am not sure i even know what “fleek” means?)
i put my phone down and leaned back onto my favorite pillow covered in flannel sheets and took a deep breath. am i turned on by sharing portal one?
a few weeks ago i rented the most beautiful home on the coast of maine in the dead of winter. i went there with two women who i consider to be a part of the soyala team. the intention was a retreat to dream into soyala as a wider net, as more.
one evening we sat at the kitchen table crafting and giggling and i asked them to make up programs they each would lead. in our silliness we started creating names for pleasure centered programming that was more inclusive. not everyone wants to drip wet in their lace thong every day (i love exploring my sexuality but still a thong makes me feel like i have a wedgie). some other pleasures might include flannel sheets, salt baths, and warm tea. “embodied pleasure for the post-menopausal woman,” “turn ons for the married more than 20 years couples,” “self sex after fifty,” “sensual coffee practices.” can we create wider spaces for sensuality that meet people where they are at?
so, i am not sure i was “fleek” for portal one this morning but i was something else. warm, soft, open, happy, calm, centered. when i imagine welcoming this round of women into the space of portal one i feel absolute loving kindness radiating from every cell of my body. my hara and heart turn up the volume. and a slow wave of excitement ripples from my belly to my crown. my feet tingle. my throat warms slightly.
portal one is the womb-space of soyala. deepened and refined by years of iterations and feedback. portal one is golden, soft, welcoming, true and real.
portal one is for the curious…
do you feel you don’t quite “fit in” and you want that to be okay?
are you at a moment in your life where you long for “something else” but you aren’t entirely sure what you mean by that?
are you are a crossroads where what you knew you were supposed to do has ended and your aren’t sure what’s next?
have you been handed grief or loss unexpectedly and you are seeking tender and honest ways to live with that in your life?
have you experienced a sense of right-ness when you’ve been exposed to somatic or contemplative practice, but you are not sure how to consistently weave it into your real life?
portal one is here to help you connect with perspectives and practices that will nourish you from the inside out, giving you access to more peace, purpose and capacity without requiring major changes in your external life.
portal one is for you even if you feel unsure. one past participant said, “choosing into portal one is like if you wanted to go the gym because you deep down believe you could get stronger but you don’t go because you aren’t sure how to use any of the machines? that is how portal one is for your spiritual path…it will meet you where you are and help you find your way.”
you truly get to show up to all of portal one as you already are.
“I've done a lot of different programs centered around spirituality. All of those felt like I had to show up in a certain way. Soyala feels like I can lay down whatever armor or identities I may be putting up and just show up and be. Messy, joyful, grieving, foggy, imperfect, whatever. All of me feels welcome. It creates a really authentic place to then explore what I have going on without having to get anything right. I feel like I meet more of myself in the Soyala containers and so I meet more of myself in the rest of my life.” - Katie G, portal one participant
